When you buy a movie ticket, spend money on dinner beforehand, and stay out late enjoying yourself, no one accuses you of sacrifice. You’ve exchanged time, effort, and energy for something you value—entertainment. This isn’t controversial. It’s rational. You’ve acted to gain something that enhances your life.
But the moment you exert similar effort for another person—say, planning a special evening to delight your spouse—the narrative shifts. Suddenly, you’re lauded for your “sacrifice,” as if giving time and energy to someone you love inherently means abandoning yourself. Why is this? Why do people struggle to conceive of others as values worth pursuing and maintaining?
Misunderstanding Egoism
The problem lies in a fundamental misunderstanding of egoism. When you “do it for the money,” no one interprets that as you doing it for the sake of the money’s welfare. Everyone understands that you’re doing it to secure the money as a value, i.e. a paycheck that enhances your life. Likewise, when you “do it for your wife,” why must it be interpreted as a sacrificial act purely for the sake of your wife’s welfare? Like the money, you are doing it to gain and secure her as a value. Far from being selfless, this is the most rational and life-affirming kind of selfishness.
Relationships as Exchanges of Gains
The idea that relationships are built on “mutual sacrifice” undermines their true purpose. A loving relationship isn’t an exchange of losses—it’s an exchange of gains. You give time, energy, and care because the person is worth it to you, and you value the joy, admiration, and shared purpose they bring to your life.
Healthy relationships are not about what you sacrifice for others but about what you achieve together—whether that’s building a shared vision, creating moments of joy, or supporting each other’s growth. When you act for someone you love, you’re acting for the acquisition of a supremely cherished value, just as any other value requires payment. Only our dearest are worth giving up a lot for.
(*See “The Courage of Egoism” for further illustration.)
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Well said!