The Crisis of Misunderstood Strength
We need both—badly.
Strong masculinity and strong femininity are not opposites to be reconciled, but counterparts to be honored. They are complementary expressions of strength, each with its own moral dignity and practical power. They are not stereotypes to escape or roles to neutralize, but tendencies to understand, respect, and elevate.
Yet today, both are misunderstood—maligned, diluted, or distorted into parodies of their former selves.
Masculinity is often portrayed as inherently toxic—aggressive, grasping, or emotionally stunted. Men are shown on TV and in movies, ads, and sitcoms as either domineering threats or inept, helpless man-children who need women to run their lives for them. Rarely are they depicted as noble, competent, or essential. Femininity, meanwhile, is sold as a kind of costumed masculinity: sharp suits, short tempers, and a barrage of “girl boss” mantras and “slay queen” platitudes—masquerading as empowerment. The result is a generation of women trying to lead like men, and men trying not to lead at all.
What Masculinity and Femininity Are—and Why They Belong Together
Let’s define terms—not rigid boxes, but recognizable patterns.
Masculinity, at its best, is directional. It protects, builds, initiates, and shoulders burdens willingly. It is the steady arm in a storm and the engine of forward motion.
Femininity, at its best, is relational. It nurtures, harmonizes, invites, and inspires. It is the vital warmth in a room and the sustaining breath of community.
These qualities are not exclusive to either sex, but they do tend to manifest more strongly and more naturally in men and women, respectively. And when rightly understood, they don’t compete—they complete.
A Personal Portrait of Harmony
I see this harmony most clearly in my own marriage.
Looking back, I realize now that part of what drew me to my wife—beyond her brilliance and beauty (her name literally means "wise and beautiful")—was a quiet but unmistakable nurturing competence. She’s extraordinarily capable, yes—but not in the way of the “girl boss” caricature. Her strength is not brittle or performative. It’s a kind of intuitive efficiency, paired with a deep empathy that senses what others need and delivers it seamlessly. She might play up a no-nonsense, fearsome persona with friends, but we all know the warmth underneath—the kind that remembers birthdays, plans family meals, and ensures we never forget the people we love.
She anchors our relational world. When we show up to a dinner with the perfect gift or a thoughtful card, it’s often because she thought to do it—and I immediately said, “Yes. Perfect.” It’s not that I don’t care. I care deeply. I’m just focused elsewhere—on our direction, our future, our principles, our goals. She orients the logistics; I set the compass. And neither of us resents the other’s role. We admire them.
The Way We Lead Each Other
It’s not about rigid gender roles—it’s about resonance.
She may research new homes or coordinate major life moves, and her insight often drives our best decisions. But the philosophical path of our life—its moral trajectory—is my domain. I lead not because she cannot, but because she doesn’t need to. And in turn, I depend on her nurturing force to keep me strong, grounded, and at my best. In many ways, she has made a man out of me—helping shape not just my life, but my character. Not by demanding it, but by drawing it out of me.
I remember, at my father-in-law's funeral, watching the women instinctively move to hold someone’s hand in a moment of silent grief. I was touched as I thought: That’s exactly what was needed. And then—after the moment had passed—I realized I could do that too. I felt the same sympathy, but it hadn't even occurred to me to express it in that way. She brings that to us. She brings people to us. She is our ambassador of empathy.
The Masculine, the Feminine, and the Fully Human
We are not two halves of the same coin. We are two distinct but harmonizing energies. And the harmony only works because we don’t try to erase our differences—we lean into them.
Yes, I have traits considered more traditionally feminine. I’m emotionally sensitive, perceptive, and quick to tears—at movies, at jersey retirements, at anything that carries human weight (My wife says that I'm menopausal!). But this doesn’t undercut my masculinity. It completes it. Just as her strength doesn’t betray her femininity—it defines it.
The Human Cost of Getting This Wrong
We’re not just mislabeling strengths—we’re misguiding generations.
Young women are told that strength means domination, detachment, and invulnerability. The result? Record levels of anxiety, loneliness, and burnout. They’re striving to embody a version of femininity that suppresses everything naturally feminine—warmth, receptivity, emotional intelligence—and replaces it with a brittle mimicry of masculine posturing.
Young men, meanwhile, are taught that masculinity is suspect at best and toxic at worst. Strength, initiative, ambition—all are treated with suspicion. The result? A collapse of purpose. More and more men feel aimless, disrespected, unwanted—and they’re checking out of relationships, work, and even life itself.
This is not about clinging to tradition for its own sake. It’s about reclaiming what works—not because it’s old, but because it’s true. Masculinity and femininity, in their healthiest forms, are not arbitrary constructs. They’re rooted in our biology, our psychology, and our deepest needs.
The tragedy is not just that we’re confused—it’s that the confusion is making us miserable. And it’s unnecessary. We are not reinventing humanity; we are forgetting it.
Let Difference Flourish
This is what we’re missing today.
We don’t need to feminize men to make them kind. And we don’t need to masculinize women to make them strong. True masculinity doesn’t suppress femininity; it honors it. True femininity doesn’t resent masculinity; it draws it out.
This isn’t regression. It’s renaissance. And we are overdue for it.
Let’s stop pretending that sameness is equality. Let’s embrace the beautiful, life-giving asymmetry of the sexes—the synergy that elevates both men and women when they stand fully in what they are.
(For more on what happens when we lose sight of these truths—and what it’s costing the next generation—see the companion essay: “Boys Are Lost. Girls Are Tired.”)
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Well put Matt. The remaining existence of the zero-sum narrative is not just wrong, it’s damaging. Great balance in this article.